A creature in me!

I can remember every detail. From the night of non-stop tears running down my cheeks to the joyful mornings at school campus. It was all a roller coaster. Ups and Downs came to me like rain, being a weary and fatiguing job to be "strong" and stand firm.

I have known this little guy since the second I could breath in my mothers womb. His always been active and strong in his way of being. His been with me, in every step of the way. I hear its steadiness all the time, and I hear people talking about taking care of him and to never let him be hurt.

But it is always too much. He knows everything and he hurting right there with me. It is hard for him to let go of things that I let him know of or things he figures out. He lets me know things I don't know and protects me from what I shouldn't know. He has been faithful all these years, but I have hurt him with all my debts and fears. Everything I have done is a lot for him to handle. He suffered with need of love, happiness, and specially real people around him, but he searched so much that he got tired of looking for those things and never finding them. He tried looking for others things that didn't work as he wished they had. He tried earning grace from many and acceptance, needing that "true love," but he never got to what he was looking for. He felt devastated and so did I. I didn't know what to do anymore. He was heavy on me and I didn't care about him anymore.

I was lost and so was he until I realized the reason of us being together. We are suppose to be a team. It was then when I understood we are the ones that have to work together to cheer us up. We have nothing else to depend on but each other, and our "true love" for each other. We know we won't let each other down for he is inside of me, my heart. He might not be a real guy or not a real creature, but I make him real. I am the one to make him be sensitive or filled with grudge. It is up to him wether I am alive and here for him to make who he is. I have known this little guy since the second I could breath in my mothers womb.

I will take care of you.

"I will take care of you! I will cleanse you Heart! Come to ME!"

This is what I hear eery night when i cry myself to sleep. those are the tender words I hear every moment of my despair on this earth. Every time I cry or am feeling down, I hear a tender voice saying those words. "I will take care of YOU!" I wonder where that love comes from. Those perfect eyes that see everything I do, why do they still love me? I've tried to start all over so many times. I ask for forgiveness, cry for help, confess, and even tell myself how I will do it this time, but it never works. I try to distract myself, do other things, show love, do what I am to do, but it is there, each time I just fall and say to myself, "maybe next time." But what will happen next? Where is my life going now?

I have now learned it is not about me, but about the world. It's them who I pray for. The world is the one in need of help. The world need the prayer of love. As for me, maybe I have despair at time. Maybe I lose it sometimes and need strength to stand once more, but I already have God ON MY SIDE. The world is the one to be prayed for and that is why i am here for. I am here to show them love and that I see them with the same perfect eyes God sees me when I stumble and fall.

God prepare me.

Faith, Hope, LOVE! :)

In this world we all are different. We all sin in different ways. Some might be crack addicts, and others are addicted to some sexual activity. We all have some problem wether it is with our family or with the social world. Some are just there while others kill themselves working to provide for their families and even be able to provide for others in charity, and others are just rich for themselves, but I can tell you, we all see each other differently. Some, we see as dirty people. Some as strange or unique. Others we see as idols or just someone to look up at. But even as we are all different we are all the same. We are seen in the same perfect eyes. We are ALL unique in our own way. I have realized that 1) Faith is the beginning, 2) hope is always there, and 3) love is all we need. We are all different, and we all have qualities and defects, and they are not the same but faith is what we start with, hope is always there and love is what i can give to many in need.

I sometimes feel like everything is fine, but when I least expect it, I am actually worst than when I started.

Yes, I was scared, but i have found my trust.

Though that trust was always there it had flown.

I have realized how much i need it.

I know how deep and perched in me it is.

Today, i decided i am not gonna,

find hope in earthly done things.

But i have decided how He is the one

who gives me the hope I need to proceed.

My Father in heaven, I need you, my King.

My daddy who's perfect, take the other's place.

I don't want any other to take you.

I want my abba right at my side.

placing his tender hands on my heart with protection.

And his quiet whisper next to my ears.

But my heart is already cracked??

I want to be pure, cause putrid am I.

In sin i make comfort, that makes me low.

I pray that i could but i can't deny,

how sinful i am, and caught dirty now.

Self-hatred comes in when guilt is a threat.

I'm dirty and nasty and no time free.

Sin is the thing that everyday is debt;

It is the vile debt that always hurts me.

I am vulnerable to all this tempts.

Temptations all come right at me at dark.

I fall and fail and feel extreme exempt,

from what I am called to be in this world.

So what do I do? So what do i act?

For I'm tired, and my heart already cracked.

Pain disease

Pain is the bomb throne to my heart each day.

I am only fifteen struggling lots,

and here i am, in the midst of dismay.

I wish I could throw it all in the pots.

I barely believe what is going on,

I wish i could turn and change all i did,

but now it's too late, I want to go stun.

Though I cant do that, I know I forbid.

If my honest comes, i don't trust a “wow.”

It is a cycle that always gets flopped.

I want to trust Him, and not forgot how,

I need to trust God, and never get mopped.

My heart is real tired and feeling like crap,

but He wipes all off, and makes me a trap.

"quiet" steps

I quietly hear her steps and freak out.

Now, down she goes to her room secretly.

But in a second or two comes a shout,

proclaiming to hurry in a brashly

Words are nothing but I trust in the one,

that he'll protect and make a soft react.

Her words are just swords that made battle won.

But words I say have a purposeful act

I'll never know till the day I am there,

why all this happens in a lifetime day.

Though I'm loved and cared for I'll be aware,

of the emotions that take me away.

I am scared to death but i have a God,

who never leaves, and never makes fraud.

The Pills

The pills I take are sharp knives through my veins.

They make my thoughts go desperate and wild.

My body gets scars, and my clothes get stains,

when my mind goes “boom!!” and acts like a child.

From being gay to being deadly sick,

with my mad emotions you never know.

To the point where I wish they will end quick,

I wish I could find a way to bestow.

My soul is see through; my heart troubled up.

I wish to where it always gets tougher.

Stuck in my pain, I cry with my filled cup,

to where my veins are the ones to suffer.

They place thoughts deeply in my mind that kill.

They change my emotions to where they seal.

TURMOILS

All of it is never ending.

Those screams never leave my mind.

The turmoil is long lasting.

I wonder if it will keep going.

Will it ever end? The screams and everything else.

I fear that it won't.

I'm afraid it will never cease.

My worries proclaim a victory deep in my heart.

My pain announces that hurt will never leave somewhere deep in me.

But victory is bigger than just a worry.

Greater than just pain the turmoil is a wind carried by a storm that passes through my heart.

Still wondering if the agitation will ever be calm; I trust it will.

I wish you were God

I wish you were God in the deepest site of my being.

In the ocean while the waves crash on the shore like they do in my heart, I wish you were God.

When I fall and have no idea where, when, or even how to get up, I wish you were God.

In the deepest pain, when I am too tired to seek, I wish you were God.

I wish you were Him in the depth of my despair.

but though I wish and pray it will never occur.

I thank Him for you in a different way.

I now have to learn you will never be Him.

I have to seek him in order to love you,

I have to love him in order to know how small

you are,

but i thank him for you from the bottom of my heart

though I wish you were God you will never be it, but special to me, you precious will always be!

A baby Girl!!

I don't even know you, and I LOVE YOU!

Have never seen you and i just care for you. I know you are just going to be beautiful without a look.

I have never met you, but I pray for you.

day after day you have been in my mind and will never leave.

I can't wait to meet precious girl of a special woman, whom I eagerly wait to meet.

I can't wait to see you and say, "I knew it!"

Christmas!

Well, 95% of my vacations were awesome. I babysat my boys for a couple nights, which is one of my favorite things to do: look at those happy, joyful faces during the day as they play and during the night as they tenderly sleep. Got many hugs for the 24th and the 31st and i totally love being with my family! I totally loved the atmosphere of being together with some music playing...getting ready for the midnight party and being able to be together and not go to school for a couple weeks. Something amazing that happen the 31st was one of my grandma's friend's daugher was kidnapped but returned save and sound that day. So, that was the biggest blessing of the day. Spent lots of time home resting and just being around at my house. I got gifts and just loved the fact that each year i realize more and more what christmas is.

Now, that 5% was really bad but i think everything turned out i bit good or at least not as bad as i thought it was. As many temptations came along and bumped into my face and i failed to stand firm in them. As people who i dont like appeared for a couple minutes of my life i felt like the world ended. i felt a horrible unsettlement in me and i wanted something i couldnt do or have. As this things happen i knew God was with me. That everything was being held for a reason and as everything happen i knew that i have my rock and strength beside me every minute!

As people fail we think and judge. We always think that we have to be perfect as Christians, that we need to be perfect to be loved, we totally judge thinking that way. Well in this case, i judged my own self, but i said it all came to be not as bad. these things were to call me, so that i could realize where i am and where i am to be. who i am to be in this world. God's presence is in my life...and i now am realizing and keeping that alive!

BEFORE and AFTER :P

BEFORE:
Why does life hurt so much, O Lord? Why do things happen, I will never know. Lord why? Why am I who I am? Why God do I have to be the girl that I am? I will never understand. Why am I such a fraud? Why do you make me hurt? And it’s because of every time I have failed. I have failed to be for you! And lord I am sorry! I’m sorry because I’m a fraud and because I fail you every single night I go to bed without reading your word. O lord, hear my cry and help me. Help me know what to do through this. And Lord even though this tears and smashes my heart I am going to be proud of it because it is for your love. All this is for your sake. Lord all this suffer will be paid off the day I see you! Lord, all I know is what I’m doing right now and what I have done today and yesterday, but I do know it is in your hands what I do tomorrow and the day after that. My life, Lord, Jesus is in your hands and in your care and I need that care to be able to survive! I need the gentle care of the perfect daddy. I wanna survive with your tender love. And Lord, I want my spirit to be tender as well, to be full of wisdom in your name. I miss you daddy. I miss your hugs and sitting on your lap. O God you are my God and I will ever praise you. I wanna seek you every second of my life even though it is so hard and Lord it is hard to be who you want me to be but that is who I also want to be. I want to be whoever you make me!
Lord I don’t want to be embarrassed by you and it is so hard. It is hard to be able to love you without any distractions and that is what I wish I had. I wish I had a life with no imperfection and no distractions from your spirit and your love, but even though I can’t have that right now I know I someday will have it. I will someday have your perfection and you “no distraction” earth. I ill have an earth with no distraction nor embarrassment of you and from adoring your name in a free and outgoing way!
Lord, I am ashamed of myself. I am ashamed of my failing ways after my outgoing personality in you. I’m sorry Lord. I need your light burden for all this sin to be given away and burned! Lord I wanna BURN, BURN for you Lord, Jesus. BURN in your name and just burn my heart for you. Carve you word and your name in me! In my heart, in my wicked despair carve and treasure your love in me!

AFTER:
Everything seems so clear now, no you have opened my eyes more than they were last night. Yesterday, I was in midnight wraths with anger of everything done from me and from you.
Today, I am in the joy of the LORD! I now can feel your love LORD and I’m not scared.
I now become to know why you’ve done all things, and all this suffer has been for good.
Everything is so clear now. Clear in a way that I am able to feel and see who I am now and who I am to be in the future, who I am going to be made with your hands.
Everything seems clear now, so clear that I pray it won’t change. That it stays as it is. It has been so clear I am scared it goes away.
But LORD if it goes away I know that you will make it come back at a special time and that it will always be close to me. My eyes will be opened every time I need it.

Crying

Psalm 6

O LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger

or discipline me in your wrath.
Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint;

O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in anguish.

How long, O LORD, how long?
Turn, O LORD, and deliver me;

save me because of your unfailing love.
No one remembers you when he is dead.

Who praises you from the grave
I am worn out from groaning;

all night long I flood my bed with weeping

and drench my couch with tears.
my eyes grow weak with sorrow;

they fail because of all my foes.
Away from me, all you who do evil,

for the LORD has heard my weeping.
The LORD has heard my cry for mercy;

the LORD accepts my prayer.
All my enemies will be ashamed and dismayed;

they will turn back in sudden disgrace.