BEFORE and AFTER :P

BEFORE:
Why does life hurt so much, O Lord? Why do things happen, I will never know. Lord why? Why am I who I am? Why God do I have to be the girl that I am? I will never understand. Why am I such a fraud? Why do you make me hurt? And it’s because of every time I have failed. I have failed to be for you! And lord I am sorry! I’m sorry because I’m a fraud and because I fail you every single night I go to bed without reading your word. O lord, hear my cry and help me. Help me know what to do through this. And Lord even though this tears and smashes my heart I am going to be proud of it because it is for your love. All this is for your sake. Lord all this suffer will be paid off the day I see you! Lord, all I know is what I’m doing right now and what I have done today and yesterday, but I do know it is in your hands what I do tomorrow and the day after that. My life, Lord, Jesus is in your hands and in your care and I need that care to be able to survive! I need the gentle care of the perfect daddy. I wanna survive with your tender love. And Lord, I want my spirit to be tender as well, to be full of wisdom in your name. I miss you daddy. I miss your hugs and sitting on your lap. O God you are my God and I will ever praise you. I wanna seek you every second of my life even though it is so hard and Lord it is hard to be who you want me to be but that is who I also want to be. I want to be whoever you make me!
Lord I don’t want to be embarrassed by you and it is so hard. It is hard to be able to love you without any distractions and that is what I wish I had. I wish I had a life with no imperfection and no distractions from your spirit and your love, but even though I can’t have that right now I know I someday will have it. I will someday have your perfection and you “no distraction” earth. I ill have an earth with no distraction nor embarrassment of you and from adoring your name in a free and outgoing way!
Lord, I am ashamed of myself. I am ashamed of my failing ways after my outgoing personality in you. I’m sorry Lord. I need your light burden for all this sin to be given away and burned! Lord I wanna BURN, BURN for you Lord, Jesus. BURN in your name and just burn my heart for you. Carve you word and your name in me! In my heart, in my wicked despair carve and treasure your love in me!

AFTER:
Everything seems so clear now, no you have opened my eyes more than they were last night. Yesterday, I was in midnight wraths with anger of everything done from me and from you.
Today, I am in the joy of the LORD! I now can feel your love LORD and I’m not scared.
I now become to know why you’ve done all things, and all this suffer has been for good.
Everything is so clear now. Clear in a way that I am able to feel and see who I am now and who I am to be in the future, who I am going to be made with your hands.
Everything seems clear now, so clear that I pray it won’t change. That it stays as it is. It has been so clear I am scared it goes away.
But LORD if it goes away I know that you will make it come back at a special time and that it will always be close to me. My eyes will be opened every time I need it.