My first and only love.

I became hard hearted. My wounds were dry and scared. I had forgotten what feelings were. I forgot WHO I was and why I am here. I was lost in my despair for life.

As summer went by, my heart got colder and colder. I gave up to the fact that I had a purpose in life. I gave up God, the most important thing in my life. I began to see life differently. Life was easy and I had no problems. All I did was ignore them and keep on. I protected my heart by being unwanted and cold. I saw everything from a perspective I had never seen before. I felt no guilt, no love, no care, and specially no purpose. I had never felt so eager, to even get to the point where I wanted to convince myself God did not exist. I convinced myself I hated him. My heart wanted to be vulnerable once again but my mind knew that if I was, everything would have been a waste of time. I got to a point where life was so miserable I didn't even notice it. Never feeling this way before I thought it was interesting and cool to be like others. But it was devastating to hear and realize I was an example to others just a couple months ago. While I was gold to some, I wanted to destroy my life. My thoughts got deeper into thinking it was fine. I wanted to die. I forgot what my purpose was. ONE summer was enough for me to get to the point where I wanted to be vanished through the delicate air. I was trash, and I didn't realize it until school started.

Each time I heard God I convinced myself he was NOTHING. I had to convince myself he was crap. I thought he wasn't enough for me. I felt ok and that was enough to be tranquil. For four days I went through the hallways telling myself it was all nothing and that he didn't exist. I told myself that I was great with ME. For four long days I contained myself from kneeling and shouting to God up in the heavens how much I adore him. I grabbed my heart from singing the few chapels that we had. I kept myself in a box filled with grief and anger that no one was able to see. But the retreat came. I was desperate because I didn't want to go, but it was impossible not to. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to stand firm to the annoying decisions I had been making. Showing at least some excitement we got to "El Encuentro." As we arrived we took attendance and took off to make our groups, have some snacks and play our first couple games. After a few games and a lot of excitement, yes, A LOT of it, we went to chapel. Ugh, chapel. That didn't make me very happy. I could feel it. I was falling, but before I did, I ran out of the chapel into the restrooms crying black tears. Afraid of my thoughts I calmed myself and waited for them to finish the message. As they wrapped it up, I came in. To make the Story Shorter, we had another chapel after a lot of other games and eating lunch. With no wonder and no regret at all, I fell. I was DONE. I couldn't handle not having God anymore. My heart was yearning for real love. It was heavy and bursting for joy, peace and the reality that I was not in a right path. Yearning to know, once again that I do have a purpose on earth. And so it happened. We met. I started to sob and my black tears were running out turning into clear crystalline. I, once again, met my first, true, and only love.