THEM

It is an every day thing. How can I even ignore it when it is so loud through the walls of my quiet and calm room. The penetrating words that are not even directed to me, pierce my mind without notice to be found. They come through the thick wooden walls and into my ears. The physical encounter and the burning words always find there way into my heart. As my family fights, all I do is listen and wonder what can I really do? I am tired of this. As I listened to my grandparent's normal-everyday discussion I heard some of the most hurtful words that someone could say about themselves. "whatever," she said to my grandpa as he tried to put her down, "it is what OTHER people think of me that fills my soul." That got me thinking. It broke me down. What am I suppose to be doing here? Why am I in the middle of all this brokenness, and how can I change it?

Confusion drains me, and I can't handle someone saying that others fill her up. But as I thought that that broke my heart, it is also true in my life. I try to fill my soul with other people's love instead of God's unfailing love. The sharp words of a "non-loving" mother that surely loves me, break me down every day. All I want is some love from her, but all she cares is about my physical appearance. And how can I even begin to explain that sometimes loving someone is painful. Loving my family is one of the hardest things I have had to do in my life. Change my perspective of them while they still think the same of me. Love them when they scream and love them when they don't get it. Why are those words so painful and why don't they even realize it? Why do I even have to listen to those discouraging words? and why does it get to me so easily? So many questions, but there is only ONE answer and that is Gods unfailing love.